Give Your Finger Something To Do

Have you ever walked a labyrinth?  It's a wonderful experience.  It's a body meditation in that it provokes a calm state.  Walking a labyrinth always makes me feel so incredibly present and calm.  It's a single path to the center of the pattern, but it turns and winds such that you may sometimes think you're not on your way to the center.  Just like life:-)  You can't really do it wrong though as long as you stay on the path.  There are no choices.  At each turn, you have only 1 way to go forward.  Is that like life too:-)  Maybe?  Walking a labyrinth gives my busy mind a break from figuring things out.  My mind can just rest for a bit while my body mindfully makes the turns.  It's a simple way for me to get present and calm.

I recently found an app for walking finger labyrinths. Amazing!  I get the same calming effect while sitting at my desk or waiting in line at Target running my finger along a high definition labyrinth on my iPhone.  It's awesome.  The app is called Finger Labyrinth.  Give your finger something really good to do:-)




Practice makes better. Copyright © 2013 by QT McGrue

The Real Problem

Years ago, I heard a dharma talk by Gil Fronsdal that blew my mind.  It gave me a whole new way to relate to my life.  He discussed an analogy to illustrate the effect of meditation.  Imagine you're in an elevator with smelly, sweaty people.  Imagine they're huge and you barely fit in the elevator.  It's uncomfortable.  Then, imagine being surrounded by the same people on a football field.  There's a lot more space between you and the smelly, sweaty people.  That's what meditation does, he said.

Meditation creates space between you and your perceived problems.  I say "perceived" because sometimes I realize my problem isn't what I initially thought.  I may initially think the problem is someone else's personality or tendencies, but the "real" problem is how I'm relating to that person.  When there's enough space between me and the perceived problem, then I like to think there's room for all kinds of other things--like wisdom to act more skillfully, a sense of humor about the circumstance, or enough perspective to let go of my expectations.  I heard this talk years ago, and I still remember the analogy.  It gave me hope that my new meditation practice would help me.  Over the years, this idea of a meditation practice creating space has manifested in my own practice.  My first thought, now, isn't that the other person is the problem or that the situation must change.  I can feel peace and hope through the discomfort without placing blame.  I can investigate my experience with a sense of curiosity and a lot less blame and angst.  This talk that Gil gave was called "Relating to Concerns".  I can't find it on his site anymore but here are hundreds of his talks in case you're interested (Gil's talks).  I've grown a lot since this talk and I've plenty of room left for more improvement, but for some reason I felt like reflecting on this today (not sure why).

May I breathe with whatever comes up and learn to relate to it wisely.


Practice makes better. Copyright © 2013 by QT McGrue

Question Beliefs

“It isn't what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it's what we say to ourselves about what happens.” -Pema Chodron



See more of my art.

I was in beautiful Jamaica years ago and had an experience with a stranger that challenged me. 
I was walking through a plaza and noticed a woman walking a path perpendicular to my own.  We were both walking at a pace such that we were going to collide if one of us didn't veer off our path.  I looked at her and saw no acknowledgment of my presence.  It was as if she decided I would, of course, need to move out of her way.  I went from noticing her to becoming highly irritated with her in a matter of seconds.  If either of us didn't move, we were going to collide.  I was so agitated with her apparent disregard for me.  I assumed she was some elitist who felt entitled to her path.  She ignored me and that enraged me.  I decided I was not going to veer off my path.  Fuck her, I thought.  Well, as you might have seen coming, we collided. 

Upon ramming into her, I saw her face close up and noticed a long scar that ran from her forehead down her cheek.  Yes, she had a long scar that ran straight through her eye.  She didn't have peripheral vision.  Yes, she ignored me.  She didn't acknowledge me.  She walked her path without considering me.  She did all these things but not for the reasons I presumed.  She simply didn't see me.  I was immediately apologetic.  I was completely at fault.  She was incredibly sweet-which only made me feel more like shit-and apologetic. 

“It isn't what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it's what we say to ourselves about what happens.”

-Pema Chodron

I believed (or assumed) she was dismissing me because she was an elitist.  This belief felt real to me, but it was untrue.

May I remember that what I think about a situation or person may not be true.  May I be brave and conscious enough to question my assumptions before I act on them.

Practice makes better. Copyright © 2012 by QT McGrue

Internal Talk

"It isn't what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it's what we say to ourselves about what happens".  Pema Chodron

About a month ago, I noticed something important about my own internal talk.  I wanted this thing.  The thing itself isn't important.  The fact that I wanted it and thought it happened triggered some insight though.  I wanted it.  I thought I saw evidence that I had it.  Then, I immediately felt this huge sense of relief and gratitude.  It was a euphoric rush of emotion.  Soon after that--soon as in minutes later--I started finding reasons to be dissatisfied and anxious.  Nothing external initiated this evaporation of my gratitude.  It just happened.  I started wondering what if, but will it, and it should be.  Then, upon noticing how ephemeral my gratitude was I felt amused.  It was ridiculous that I could so easily create reasons to not want what I really wanted only minutes after thinking I had it.  I think this little reflection highlights good and bad news for me.

The bad news?  I can create a reason to be dissatisfied no matter what actually happens.  No matter the conditions, I can apparently contract and feel anxious.  The good news?  I think this means I could just as easily convince myself to be content no matter the external conditions.

This makes me think of another quote attributed to James Allen: "The outer conditions of a person's life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs."  I don't know if I agree with this quote, but I think conditions are at least colored by my beliefs.  If I wear green-tinted shades, as an analogy, the objects in my line of sight will have a green hue not because the objects are green but because my shades color them green.  If I walk through my day with a system of beliefs that are negative--people hate me, my boss is out to get me--then every occurrence is colored negative even if the occurrence in and of itself isn't negative or positive.  Stuff happens.  Each occurrence doesn't necessarily have to be labeled "negative" or "positive".  Each occurrence doesn't necessarily require an extreme emotional response (e.g. euphoria or aversion).

Kosho, a Zen priest at the Austin Zen Center, said something helpful to me in a talk years ago: "it's not good or bad, it's just the nature of things". Things occur and my beliefs or judgements can really complicate the experience in such unhelpful ways.  Those beliefs and judgements are so natural though.  My life of experiences has deeply conditioned my responses.  It's as if my whole life thus far has been a marinade for my mind.  I naturally hold certain thought flavors because of the marinade my mind has soaked in over the years.  The mind is like tofu; it takes on the flavor of the marinade.  Awareness, I think, is like a rinse.  My awareness can give me enough space and opportunity to at least question my beliefs and judgements and begin to shift my perspective and habits.  No pressure though.  I have a habit of aversive internal talk, but my awareness can help me begin to practice healthier habits.

May I notice my aversive thinking today and challenge it.

Practice makes better.

Copyright © 2012 by QT McGrue

The Pause

My Art

Over the years, I have practiced saying what's true with little regard for compassion.  I valued truth over compassion and thought that was right no matter who I hurt.  This practice, though, can mar relationships (duh).  I've learned to cultivate a better balance of truth and compassion in my speech.  I've also learned to pay attention to what's going on in the present because sometimes balance isn't the right way either.  Sometimes, compassion is needed over truth.  An experience with one of my students taught me this.

Recently, I wrote a recommendation letter for a student.  This particular student happens to be an awesome individual, so it was an easy letter to write.  She, however, asked for the letter with very little advanced notice.  She told me she needed it as soon as possible because she was moving to a new state and would need it for her new school.  It was an urgent request.  That, in my selfish mind, was strike 1.

I'm oldschool in that I still believe people should give 2 weeks notice for a letter of rec request.  Despite her disregard for the 2-week notice custom, I emailed the letter to her.  I received no response from her.  Days went by.  Weeks went by.  No response.  I finally emailed her again to ask if she received the letter.  She replied that same day apologizing for not having responded sooner and thanked me for the letter.  She said she'd been busy with her recent move and hadn't had time to respond to me when I sent the letter of rec.  That was strike 2, I thought.  I decided, at that point, I would send her an email explaining both her strikes.  I decided I would tell her how impolite and inconsiderate it was for her to request an urgent letter of rec and then compound that faux pas by not even saying 'thank you'.  From my soapbox, I decided I would do this as a courtesy.  I would teach her to be better than that so she would treat future benefactors appropriately and avoid burning bridges.  I made this decision to send this email of rebuke, but then I paused.

I had one of those pause moments when I questioned my own action before acting.  This pause is an awesome space.  While lingering in this pause, I thought about the fact that she could have been more considerate.  Was that really my motivation though?  Was it really about correcting her behavior or was there another less-than-noble intent beneath that?  I decided not to send the email until I was done considering my own intent.  Days went by.  During this long pause, I noticed all the inconsiderate actions of my own.  I noticed how many times I was so caught up in what I wanted that I did not consider others.  I noticed how little right I had to stand on such a high soapbox.  It's true that she could have been more considerate, but I think my pause has allowed me to think about her actions with a bit more compassion.  She had just moved out-of-state and started at a new school.  This was incredibly stressful for her.  The pause allowed me to consider that point.  My compassion for her perspective completely dissolved my feeling of offense.  With the compassion, I don't even feel the need to send an email of rebuke to correct her behavior.  It's true that she could have handled our interaction with a bit more consideration, but I can understand why she didn't and not take it personally.  I feel grateful for what I learned about myself through having this experience.  She has good parents, and she's a good kid with a beautiful heart.  Punishing her with an email of rebuke, would have been ill-advised.

May I remember to pause and reflect on my intentions before acting (when possible).  May I be open and wise enough to recognize when the teachable moment is actually for me.

Practice makes better. Copyright © 2012 by QT McGrue

All Is Well

Just This Blog Submission



QTMcGrue.Imagekind.com

This month’s topic reminds me of a discussion I had with myself one night.  I asked myself if people are inherently good or bad.  Since I let go of religion, I hadn’t figured out how to answer this question.I felt frustrated because I thought a reasonable argument could support either viewpoint.  I wanted an answer but had no real basis on which to choose the right answer.  Then, I thought about how I act when I’m assuming the people around me are inherently good.The issue, I decided, isn’t whether either position is right.  I have since chosen to believe people are inherently good because it motivates better behavior on my part.  I think I am a better person whenI’mtrusting the goodness in others.

That said, I think I would apply a similar thought process to this idea of whether there’s a place for the rebel and the monk in Zen.  I think the question of whether there’s a place for either is moot because periodically one or the other will surface.  Once either role has surfaced, its presence has already affirmed its place.  In response, I need to muster the highest level of awareness and wisdom I can.  I need to attend to the rebel or monk that’s here, now.  Either one rises because it needs my attention, or it’s pointing me to something that needs my attention.  My compassionate attention.  It’s helpful to practice compassionate presence with whatever arises.  It’s not a matter of one role being intrinsicallyappropriate.  Every experience or state can serve awakening to the extent I’m present with it.  Any state, in my practice, is less harmful to the extent that I cultivate compassion along with my sense of presence.

I like the quote at the end of Kosho’s email signature: “It’s not outside.  It’s not inside.  It’s not both inside and outside.  It’s not neither outside nor inside.  Everything’s a mess, yet all is well.” (Ezra Bayda)

Practice makes better.

Copyright © 2012 by QT McGrue

No Separate Self



QTMcGrue.Imagekind.com

 In zen circles, the topic of no-self is quite popular.  Zen folk love to discuss it.  Whenever it comes up, I just hope the discussion ends quickly.  It goes so deep into the metaphysical that I lose interest.  My meditation practice doesn't venture into the metaphysical.  I like to do things that make a practical difference in how I actually live my daily life.  I meditate because it loosens my tension and allows my own wisdom to surface.  I do not lace my practice with metaphysical intentions.

If I actually convinced myself that I am not real, then what?  Who's going to go to work and cook so I can keep my enlightened belly full of something other than emptiness?  I'm being facetious, but really the idea of no-self has never been important to me.  I do think it's beneficial to challenge my beliefs and remain open to an expanded awareness of self.  Beyond that, no-self discussions never helped me much.  Until recently.

A book group I sometimes visit had a no-self conversation that changed the way I see my relationship to others.  It was several months ago, but the discussion still informs me.  The facilitator of the group said it's odd that people say "no self".  He said we should actually think of it as "no separate self".  Brilliant.  That's practical metaphysics!  I feel solid and separate from the people around me.  That's important to some extent because there are actual tasks I need to complete.  Along with this practical sense of self, though, it's considerate of me to always remember that I am not separate from the individuals around me.  We are all unique waves, but we constitute the same ocean.  Awareness of this connection could make for a cooperative work place, harmonious home life, and more gracious social interactions.

May I remember I'm my own unique wave in an ocean of other waves.  May I remember we're unique but connected.

Practice makes better.

Copyright © 2012 by QT McGrue